The highest of highs followed by trauma, followed by thankfulness, then sadness, then anger...
This pregnancy has been one of the hardest journeys for me. But the Lord has blessed us with a beautiful gift - Elsie Noelle Reynolds. She was born 3 weeks ago tomorrow. She's the toughest girl I know already. I'm so thankful I get to be her mom.
Elsie came into this world not breathing. Her shoulder got caught in delivery. I can't remember when I've been so scared. To watch the faces of medical people around me. It went from intense focus to panic and alarm. Her head came out and she was blue. People began yelling, nurses jumped on top of me and were pushing their fists into my abdomen while the doctors pulled on her head and shoulders. The pain was beyond anything I've ever felt. I was exhausted from labor and sick the night before but knew I had to push as hard as I could. I literally saw spots I was pushing so hard and I broke blood vessels. People say they heard a crack - her clavicle we found out - and she finally came. I didn't care if it was a she or he, all I could see was her blue face and immediately burst into tears. Nurses hovered, saying they will take care of her and get her back. Dusty was over by her trying to be there for her yet letting the nurses work on her. Finally we heard a cry, a weak one but it seemed determined. The let me see her briefly then whisked her to the NICU to continue to help her push through the trauma of what she just went through.
Three weeks ago. Today I find myself in tears as I think I could've lost her. I find myself angry as I think the doctors should have done a c section as she showed many signs of distress and we knew she was a big baby. I'm angry that she had to have pain from a broken bone for her first two weeks of life. That she will need therapy for the nerve damage in her shoulder. Yet I find myself grateful, knowing that God has given me not just one miracle child now but two.
Every day is different, emotions are different. Trying to adjust to life at home with 2 kids under 18 months, processing this trauma, dealing with mastitis, running out of time off because I was on bedrest and in doing so I will go 2 months without being paid...it's chaos. But I look at her and know that out of the chaos came something beautiful. My heart melts when I see Dusty kiss her, Hudson reach for her, Bella and Ranger try to lick her. Our family is whole. Maybe not complete...we'll see what God wants to do. But for now its whole. And even with the cluster of emotions, I try to end each day being thankful of that.
Elsie came into this world not breathing. Her shoulder got caught in delivery. I can't remember when I've been so scared. To watch the faces of medical people around me. It went from intense focus to panic and alarm. Her head came out and she was blue. People began yelling, nurses jumped on top of me and were pushing their fists into my abdomen while the doctors pulled on her head and shoulders. The pain was beyond anything I've ever felt. I was exhausted from labor and sick the night before but knew I had to push as hard as I could. I literally saw spots I was pushing so hard and I broke blood vessels. People say they heard a crack - her clavicle we found out - and she finally came. I didn't care if it was a she or he, all I could see was her blue face and immediately burst into tears. Nurses hovered, saying they will take care of her and get her back. Dusty was over by her trying to be there for her yet letting the nurses work on her. Finally we heard a cry, a weak one but it seemed determined. The let me see her briefly then whisked her to the NICU to continue to help her push through the trauma of what she just went through.
Three weeks ago. Today I find myself in tears as I think I could've lost her. I find myself angry as I think the doctors should have done a c section as she showed many signs of distress and we knew she was a big baby. I'm angry that she had to have pain from a broken bone for her first two weeks of life. That she will need therapy for the nerve damage in her shoulder. Yet I find myself grateful, knowing that God has given me not just one miracle child now but two.
Every day is different, emotions are different. Trying to adjust to life at home with 2 kids under 18 months, processing this trauma, dealing with mastitis, running out of time off because I was on bedrest and in doing so I will go 2 months without being paid...it's chaos. But I look at her and know that out of the chaos came something beautiful. My heart melts when I see Dusty kiss her, Hudson reach for her, Bella and Ranger try to lick her. Our family is whole. Maybe not complete...we'll see what God wants to do. But for now its whole. And even with the cluster of emotions, I try to end each day being thankful of that.
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