What is mud running you may ask? Am I training for a mud race? Nope. But right now I feel like I'm running in mud. It's hard, it's dirty and not really fun but thankfully you don't sink to where you can't get out. That would be quicksand. (Thanks for clearing that up Julia is what I'm sure you are thinking). Life has been challenging lately. And to be honest, I've not been running into it at full speed saying I can push through, I can do it. I haven't been running at all (literally). :)
Nope. It's been thoughts like "I really wish I could stay in bed". I know pregnancy hormones can play a part in things, but a few weeks ago I was beginning to worry I was clinically depressed. Unfortunately being in health care you know a few of the signs. And they were there. BUT, I felt that this is a seasonal thing. I won't have to work nights forever. Hopefully this tired feeling will go away. I can work out again after this little babe is born. There will pry always be financial stress but only the very few don't have to deal with it. (And I personally believe that it helps us to stay minimal and simple, be thankful, and let's face it - being rich has it's burdens.) Hopefully there will be less hospital bills in 2014 - lets hope for just a good ole L&D stay. Fussy stages in toddlers don't last forever. Diabetes will be stuck with me forever BUT good news - my A1C - measures how good my sugars have been the last 3 months - was 6.6. A goal for a diabetic is 6 and they hope for 6.5 or even are okay with 7 in a pregnant woman. Woohoo! I was going up when I was pregnant with Hudson and this time I went from 7 in the 1st trimester to 6.6 in the second. And honestly, that was the turnaround in my attitude this week.
Last week I was angry. I'm paying 200-300 dollars a month trying to keep this baby healthy between my insulin stuff (pump, sensor, extra doc visits that aren't under maternity covered insurance), plus progestrone shots to try to prevent the preterm labor. Then I had contractions while working out last week. So I was upset and frustrated. Honestly I have a smile a little cuz I haven't been on a eliptical in months but I was trying to be good and work out and then of course I had a few contractions. But I was worried then and upset because I never had them this early with Hudson. As for Hudson, he has been super fussy and clingy this week. I was battling feelings of frustration then feeling bad because I was frustrated. One night he was up crying every 2-3 hours. I still don't really know what's wrong but to have him cry when I leave to go to the bathroom had me wanting to pull my hair out. Then he gives me a smile and says mom and I'm like "oh I love you and you are so amazing!" After searching and reading and noting that his hands are always in his mouth, I think he's starting to have a little separation anxiety and teething at the same time.
The big read flags for me this week were that I didn't care that I wasn't keeping up with the house (I may not always keep up but I usually care), I didn't want to get out of bed, and I didn't want to hang out with people. OH, and my husband said I was reading a lot. Which, if you know I'm a nerd like that at heart - it might not seem weird. But, thats all I was doing any moment I had a break. Trying to escape.
So...running in the mud. I feel like the muddy is getting more dry, less thick. I'm thankful I have a chronic disease that I can treat and live with. I'm thankful for a great husband and kiddo. I'm thankful to have another on the way. I have no way of knowing whats going to happen in the future...it will have ups and downs, but I know it's not a journey alone. I'm surrounded by a God who doesn't leave me - even if I've started straying away from Him. I'm surrounded by amazing family and friends. I'm praying that this will be an amazing pregnancy where I see God's hand (already I see it with my A1C). It's His plan, we've seen it from the beginning. He will walk with us, and will provide our daily needs. So I choose to try and be thankful and joyful each day.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Letting go
Our blog for Sababu has been down for some time. Many know the situation in Mali. The government was overthrown. Borders were open and closed, riots and curfews followed. Life was unpredictable. And so was business. Sababu Manufacturing Company was already going the some of the trials many new business face. This put things over the edge and we made the decision to shut the doors. Harder decisions followed. People criticized the choices we made, how we handled affairs. We were guided by our limited knowledge, our friends both Malian and American, and then most importantly, by God.
We pry didn't do everything perfect. I'm sure mistakes were made. People were upset. You always hear from those who are upset. I see that in nursing all the time. We seem to hear from those who want to complain about everything, then don't get to spend as much time with the patients who are the most thankful and sometimes have the most needs, just don't voice them. Same with business and customer service. We tried and failed. We wiped out our savings and had nothing left to give. We came back to the US with little and still tried to pay as much as we could. I do understand that in a poverty stricken country our "little" is a lot for them. But I'm not going to go into finances...all I know is things have been a lot harder than expected. My heart has been angry and hurt in ways I didn't expect. But I'm seeing God try to heal that too. And He has taken care of us and blessed us in so many ways since we've been back.
I was reading a blog called Kisses from Kate. This girl is such an inspiration to me on what it truly means to live for Jesus. I choke up thinking of it. Anyway, this blog is about someones life that she had the opportunity to be a part of. She shared in her living and passing away and we see Kates struggle with God allowing it to end and letting her think her was going to make it.
Here was her response:
"Some time last week in the too-early hours of the morning, I asked God why He allowed me to believe so strongly that Katherine would live when she wasn’t actually going to. I can usually get a pretty good sense for those things. It is hard for me to think that My Father saw me in my hope, He knew I was believing, and He simultaneously knew the ending. I think He answered that He gave me the grace to believe that she would live so that in her final days she would feel hope and high spirits all around her, so that she would feel that she was fought for and that she was worth the fight. She was worth it."
www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com
It made me think of Sababu. God knew the ending of the story. But you know, the people were worth it. Worth the hurts, the heartaches, the disappointment in the business itself. They might not completely get it. but HE does. I'm thankful for that journey. I'm praying that Dusty and I allow both the joys and the pains of it shape us and draw us closer to Him.
I know that many see Sababu as a failure. And they see us as people with a nice idea but it didn't pan out. Many pry have rationale why it didn't work out - we didn't go through the correct protocol - language study in France, Bambara study in Mali, live in Mali for 4-8 years, etc. etc. We felt judged throughout the journey - when we got there, while we were there - by missionaries, Malians, and by people living in the US. We had people stop supporting us because they said we lived in too nice of a house. (Yet our house was what the Malians told us we had to live in if we wanted to be taken serious as business folk). We let go of our hurts and pushed forward. In the end we found beautiful friendships and relationships. I pray that even though we couldn't provide long term jobs for Malians, that they were able to experience love, hope and grace for the time they worked for us. That they were able to grow in skills to use for future employment. That they benefited from the clinic we ran and education I provided to the workers and families about Malaria and diarrhea. But in the end it doesn't matter what they think. It doesn't matter what other missionaries thought. It doesn't even matter what I think. It matters what God thinks. It matters that we obeyed the calling.
We pry didn't do everything perfect. I'm sure mistakes were made. People were upset. You always hear from those who are upset. I see that in nursing all the time. We seem to hear from those who want to complain about everything, then don't get to spend as much time with the patients who are the most thankful and sometimes have the most needs, just don't voice them. Same with business and customer service. We tried and failed. We wiped out our savings and had nothing left to give. We came back to the US with little and still tried to pay as much as we could. I do understand that in a poverty stricken country our "little" is a lot for them. But I'm not going to go into finances...all I know is things have been a lot harder than expected. My heart has been angry and hurt in ways I didn't expect. But I'm seeing God try to heal that too. And He has taken care of us and blessed us in so many ways since we've been back.
I was reading a blog called Kisses from Kate. This girl is such an inspiration to me on what it truly means to live for Jesus. I choke up thinking of it. Anyway, this blog is about someones life that she had the opportunity to be a part of. She shared in her living and passing away and we see Kates struggle with God allowing it to end and letting her think her was going to make it.
Here was her response:
"Some time last week in the too-early hours of the morning, I asked God why He allowed me to believe so strongly that Katherine would live when she wasn’t actually going to. I can usually get a pretty good sense for those things. It is hard for me to think that My Father saw me in my hope, He knew I was believing, and He simultaneously knew the ending. I think He answered that He gave me the grace to believe that she would live so that in her final days she would feel hope and high spirits all around her, so that she would feel that she was fought for and that she was worth the fight. She was worth it."
www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com
It made me think of Sababu. God knew the ending of the story. But you know, the people were worth it. Worth the hurts, the heartaches, the disappointment in the business itself. They might not completely get it. but HE does. I'm thankful for that journey. I'm praying that Dusty and I allow both the joys and the pains of it shape us and draw us closer to Him.
I know that many see Sababu as a failure. And they see us as people with a nice idea but it didn't pan out. Many pry have rationale why it didn't work out - we didn't go through the correct protocol - language study in France, Bambara study in Mali, live in Mali for 4-8 years, etc. etc. We felt judged throughout the journey - when we got there, while we were there - by missionaries, Malians, and by people living in the US. We had people stop supporting us because they said we lived in too nice of a house. (Yet our house was what the Malians told us we had to live in if we wanted to be taken serious as business folk). We let go of our hurts and pushed forward. In the end we found beautiful friendships and relationships. I pray that even though we couldn't provide long term jobs for Malians, that they were able to experience love, hope and grace for the time they worked for us. That they were able to grow in skills to use for future employment. That they benefited from the clinic we ran and education I provided to the workers and families about Malaria and diarrhea. But in the end it doesn't matter what they think. It doesn't matter what other missionaries thought. It doesn't even matter what I think. It matters what God thinks. It matters that we obeyed the calling.
So part of my healing process is letting go of the past hurts. Letting go of those doubting comments we heard while there. Even maybe the I told you so's once we got back. Letting go of the precious girl we tried to adopt in Mali but the door closed.
I miss Mali. My heart is heavy as I write this. The people, the culture is one that cannot be explained but must be experienced. I'm thankful for the experience. I'm thankful for the hurts. It has made me run to Him.
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