What is mud running you may ask? Am I training for a mud race? Nope. But right now I feel like I'm running in mud. It's hard, it's dirty and not really fun but thankfully you don't sink to where you can't get out. That would be quicksand. (Thanks for clearing that up Julia is what I'm sure you are thinking). Life has been challenging lately. And to be honest, I've not been running into it at full speed saying I can push through, I can do it. I haven't been running at all (literally). :)
Nope. It's been thoughts like "I really wish I could stay in bed". I know pregnancy hormones can play a part in things, but a few weeks ago I was beginning to worry I was clinically depressed. Unfortunately being in health care you know a few of the signs. And they were there. BUT, I felt that this is a seasonal thing. I won't have to work nights forever. Hopefully this tired feeling will go away. I can work out again after this little babe is born. There will pry always be financial stress but only the very few don't have to deal with it. (And I personally believe that it helps us to stay minimal and simple, be thankful, and let's face it - being rich has it's burdens.) Hopefully there will be less hospital bills in 2014 - lets hope for just a good ole L&D stay. Fussy stages in toddlers don't last forever. Diabetes will be stuck with me forever BUT good news - my A1C - measures how good my sugars have been the last 3 months - was 6.6. A goal for a diabetic is 6 and they hope for 6.5 or even are okay with 7 in a pregnant woman. Woohoo! I was going up when I was pregnant with Hudson and this time I went from 7 in the 1st trimester to 6.6 in the second. And honestly, that was the turnaround in my attitude this week.
Last week I was angry. I'm paying 200-300 dollars a month trying to keep this baby healthy between my insulin stuff (pump, sensor, extra doc visits that aren't under maternity covered insurance), plus progestrone shots to try to prevent the preterm labor. Then I had contractions while working out last week. So I was upset and frustrated. Honestly I have a smile a little cuz I haven't been on a eliptical in months but I was trying to be good and work out and then of course I had a few contractions. But I was worried then and upset because I never had them this early with Hudson. As for Hudson, he has been super fussy and clingy this week. I was battling feelings of frustration then feeling bad because I was frustrated. One night he was up crying every 2-3 hours. I still don't really know what's wrong but to have him cry when I leave to go to the bathroom had me wanting to pull my hair out. Then he gives me a smile and says mom and I'm like "oh I love you and you are so amazing!" After searching and reading and noting that his hands are always in his mouth, I think he's starting to have a little separation anxiety and teething at the same time.
The big read flags for me this week were that I didn't care that I wasn't keeping up with the house (I may not always keep up but I usually care), I didn't want to get out of bed, and I didn't want to hang out with people. OH, and my husband said I was reading a lot. Which, if you know I'm a nerd like that at heart - it might not seem weird. But, thats all I was doing any moment I had a break. Trying to escape.
So...running in the mud. I feel like the muddy is getting more dry, less thick. I'm thankful I have a chronic disease that I can treat and live with. I'm thankful for a great husband and kiddo. I'm thankful to have another on the way. I have no way of knowing whats going to happen in the future...it will have ups and downs, but I know it's not a journey alone. I'm surrounded by a God who doesn't leave me - even if I've started straying away from Him. I'm surrounded by amazing family and friends. I'm praying that this will be an amazing pregnancy where I see God's hand (already I see it with my A1C). It's His plan, we've seen it from the beginning. He will walk with us, and will provide our daily needs. So I choose to try and be thankful and joyful each day.
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