Be the center

It's the end of June.

2 months since I last wrote I think.

Life is still busy (busy is word on my dislike list but not sure what else to insert - chaotic?).  Kiddos are still growing and changing.  Husband is still working like mad and providing for us.  Will step down from current position as director at the Chamber to pursue RaceNote full time.  I'm scared and excited at the same time.

We rented out our house during the CWS.  We were hoping that moolah would go towards a vacation but hey, why do that when we need to seal our fence around the house?!  ;)  Lived at my parents for a week.  They are about as easy as you can get to live with but we were anxious to get home.  Till we found out basement flooded.

I interviewed for a new job on Wednesday.  Most likely it will be offered to me.  I just can't figure out what i want to do, but I know my current job isn't working for me or my family.  But I'm finally working in a place I like my co-workers.  They aren't catty.  Hope I like the next ones too.

I asked a dear friend, a lovely, wise and mature woman of God to mentor me and we met today.  I'm kind of scared to let her see the sin and ugliness in my life.  But it's a good thing, right?

I got in the Word today and asked God to speak to me.  Two things that spoke to me.  I need Jesus as the center.  Of my marriage, my family, my life.  It's so unbalanced as it is, and all can easily crumble if He isn't there.  The other thing is that I can have hope.  Sometimes I may not feel it, sometimes I may not see it, but it's there - always.  I forgot that we always have hope in Him.

Redemption.  Healing.  Clarity.  All things I'm longing for right now.  Jesus be the center.

Thirty is the new twenty...

Tomorrow I turn thirty.  When I think of this, I'm not sad about turning older and suddenly having my "fun days" behind me.  Nor do I think thirty is the new twenty because please - don't send me back there.  I simply think...ugh, I have to work tomorrow night.  And Hudson has an appointment at 2 with the GI specialist right during nap time.  When is he going to nap, so I can get a nap in before work?

This is my life right now.  There are moments of pure happiness and joy.  When I look at my kids and Elsie starts smiling at me or Hudson does something hilarious and I'm laughing.  And of course there is my amazing husband - whose life is beyond choatic but still finds time to take me out spontaneously to a fancy smancy restaurant for dinner and then meet friends for drinks.  Dusty, who can make me laugh and can love me through my ugliness.  Cuz  there are other moments - not such pretty moments where I am angry, or I'm depressed, or blah, or not interested in anyone but myself.  And tonight I was thinking about turning 30.  And about myself.  I think I am supposed to "know who I am" by now.  But as our family changed this year and we've had some major stones (or boulders) thrown at us, I realize I don't know myself at all.

I think this is okay.  I think we all should be continuing to change anyway.  Life continues to change, and we will continue to change with it.  And with our ups and downs I realized I'm still finding myself.  I'm trying to find myself in Jesus, and start each day with Him, but I don't always do this.  But He starts each day with me.

All this to be said, I found a list I started a few years ago.

30 Things I want to do before 30

1)      Get a tattoo

2)      Have a baby

3)      Start the adoption process

4)      Read the Bible in a year

5)      Run a half marathon

6)      Serve in Africa as a nurse

7)      Hike a 14er in Colorado

8)      Visit Graham and Carrie in India

9)      Bake a pie from scratch

10)   Learn to sew

11)   Play the piano again – possibly take lessons

12)   Become critical care certified
13)    Skydive

As you can see, I didn't get far in creating the list, and I can say that I've completed 4 things on that list.  But I'm okay with that.  Life's not about lists.  Whew...that's hard to say coming from a girl that loves lists!!  I guess I'm saying bring on 30.  I think it will be great.  Cuz I'm just going to live life, be real about who I am, and enjoy what's been given to me.  And most of all, I'm going to continue to run the race before me and go deeper.  I want to deeply know Jesus, deeply love him, deeply experience him.  

Thankful hearts that have broken moments...

The last 3 weeks have been a blur.

The highest of highs followed by trauma, followed by thankfulness, then sadness, then anger...

This pregnancy has been one of the hardest journeys for me. But the Lord has blessed us with a beautiful gift - Elsie Noelle Reynolds.  She was born 3 weeks ago tomorrow.  She's the toughest girl I know already.  I'm so thankful I get to be her mom.

Elsie came into this world not breathing.  Her shoulder got caught in delivery.  I can't remember when I've been so scared.  To watch the faces of medical people around me.  It went from intense focus to panic and alarm.  Her head came out and she was blue.  People began yelling, nurses jumped on top of me and were pushing their fists into my abdomen while the doctors pulled on her head and shoulders.  The pain was beyond anything I've ever felt.  I was exhausted from labor and sick the night before but knew I had to push as hard as I could.  I literally saw spots I was pushing so hard and I  broke blood vessels.  People say they heard a crack - her clavicle we found out - and she finally came.  I didn't care if it was a she or he, all I could see was her blue face and immediately burst into tears.  Nurses hovered, saying they will take care of her and get her back.  Dusty was over by her trying to be there for her yet letting the nurses work on her.  Finally we heard a cry, a weak one but it seemed determined.  The let me see her briefly then whisked her to the NICU to continue to help her push through the trauma of what she just went through.

Three weeks ago.  Today I find myself in tears as I think I could've lost her.  I find myself angry as I think the doctors should have done a c section as she showed many signs of distress and we knew she was a big baby.  I'm angry that she had to have pain from a broken bone for her first two weeks of life.  That she will need therapy for the nerve damage in her shoulder.  Yet I find myself grateful, knowing that God has given me not just one miracle child now but two.

Every day is different, emotions are different.  Trying to adjust to life at home with 2 kids under 18 months, processing this trauma, dealing with mastitis, running out of time off because I was on bedrest and in doing so I will go 2 months without being paid...it's chaos.  But I look at her and know that out of the chaos came something beautiful.  My heart melts when I see Dusty kiss her, Hudson reach for her, Bella and Ranger try to lick her.  Our family is whole.  Maybe not complete...we'll see what God wants to do.  But for now its whole.  And even with the cluster of emotions, I try to end each day being thankful of that.

2013 is closed, 2014 open for business

Happy New Year!

Hudson is napping, Dusty is sleeping in the recliner with a football game on, and I'm sitting here blogging and reflecting.  I'm not sure how I would summarize 2013.  Change, surprises, trials, sanctification are some of the first words that come to mind.  It's so easy to make a plan for the next year that is totally dependent on ourselves.  We forget though about the unexpected moments.  Last year I was going to run a half marathon.  Well, I got pregnant instead.  Plans for a travels were underway.  Hospital stays and bills happened instead. Sometimes the best laid plans just don't happen.  But I choose to believe in a God that allows things of the world shape and influence us.  Job is an example of someone who probably didn't plan to have the year he did when God allowed everything to be taken from him.  Yet, he grew and was challenged by the Lord and in the end was blessed more abundantly than before.

So, what is going on with the Reynolds this Day 1 of 2014:

Baby Watch 2013 is now 2014!
We've made it past 34 weeks!  Woohoo!  I honestly didn't think we'd get to this point and it's a little weird/conflicting.  I feel like I should start working again in the next week or two but my docs just want me to stay home until the kiddo is born.  I'm working on trusting them and submitting to their recommendations.  Then again, there has been a lot of issues with the pregnancy even at home so it's pry best to just stay home.

33 weeks and 5 days

Holidays

Being on bedrest meant we stayed in Omaha.  So we had Christmas at our house - 3 times.  It was a lot of fun actually and nice to be home.  My parents and Dusty's parents took care of the food and then our families came to spend time together.  Mexican train might be becoming a tradition on my side of the family!  It was nice to spend time with my brother and his wife as they came from Houston and usually only come up once a year!  Hudson enjoyed seeing everyone and enjoyed his boxes - I mean presents.  :)

New Years Day
Like I said, the house is chill.  2 out of 3 of us have yet to get out of our pjs at 4pm.  We woke to a beautiful snow today.   The Huskers won.  The bun is still on the oven.  It's a great start to the New Year!

I don't know what God has in store for us.  But I will look for blessings each day - because there are blessings in each day no matter how small they are.  So here is to 2014 and 365 days of finding joy and blessings in each day!

Three

Here we are, it's 3 days away from Christmas.  I'm amazed at what the last 3 weeks has brought upon us and yet how we've been cared for and God's provision has been evident throughout the rocky road.

Pregnancy.

Typical background with the 3 kiddos

Hudson visiting mommy at hospital

I am 33 weeks pregnant today!  Hudson was born at 33 weeks exactly so this is kind of a special day for me.  As far as we know, I am 3 cm dilated.  (There is a lot of three's in the post....hmmmm...I hadn't thought of a title for the post but I know what it will be now!)  At 30 weeks and 5 days I had a doc appointment where I shared that I felt like things were different and had a few concerns that things were changing (ie...baby was starting to come).  The doc checked me, found I was 3 cm dilated.  Then the contractions came - every 2-4 min.  Long story short I enjoyed an all included weekend stay at the Nebraska Medical Center.  With Magnesium and everything!  For those who don't know - Magnesium makes you feel like you have the flu but it can help stop labor for some people.  I got to go home after 3 nights stay, so 10 pounds later (and much swelling) I was on my way home with bedrest/no work orders.  Not a strict bedrest mind you - basically no work and try to not do anything around the house or pick up my 25 pound 15 month old.  Fast forward to now, baby is still in, I've lost 15 pounds of fluid weight, and we've seen God provide in crazy ways!



Family and Friends
To those who have helped us during this turbulent time - THANK YOU!  I don't know how we would have done it.  Since I've come home, we've had many family and friends come and take a shift at the Reynolds house with Hudson.  Sometimes its a morning or afternoon, sometimes it's all day.  We've been so grateful to have help.  Yet it's much harder letting people actually in your life at such a vulnerable time I've found.  Especially when you have control freak tendencies like me.  :)

This kid can always make me smile.

It's been so humbling.  Even to just say "do you mind carrying Hudson up to his bedroom?" or "can you put him in the booster seat?"  I know it may not seem like a big deal, but when you are in that situation, it is.  I may or may not have started to go a little stir crazy as I sat around and watch people do things for me and Hudson.  And I may not have always done the best job of sitting around but I am doing SO much less than I was.  So far it seems to be working.  But we really don't know, I haven't let them check me as it stirs up contractions.  But on the other hand I haven't had nearly as many contractions.

Waiting for swallow study

Learning
Whelp, there is always learning in times like these.  The last 3 weeks alone we've had to deal with preterm labor, an aunt so sick she almost didn't make it, a swallow study at Children's for Hudson, flooding in our basement after we just laid new carpet (the day I came home on "bedrest" - what a welcome!), a dog that somehow punctured/impaled himself on something to where you could see muscle in his chest and a hole the size of a dime that went at least 1.5-2 inches deep.  Not to mention your usual holiday stress.  But, here is what God has shown me:

1) He is bigger than any problem I'm facing
    - Hudson's swallow study was fine.  So hoping he will outgrow the reflux soon!
2) I don't need to live in fear but instead have hope and joy
    - great example of Mary during this sermon http://citylightomaha.org/downloads/sermons/Joy.%2012.15.13.mp3
3) He will provide
     - We've been SO blessed by many dropping by meals and helping with Hudson.  It's so nice not to worry about making a meal.
    -The Chamber and people there have blessed us with letting Dusty be flexible with his schedule, working different hours or working from home at times as well as taking care of our meals for a whole week!
4) I'm not the only one who is experiencing or has experienced hard times
  - Just reminded that there are many trials I could be experiencing that are more difficult than ours
5) We all need grace

Anxious to open presents!

   -Extra grace seems to be needed for everyone during this time of year.  I need to extend grace and hopefully receive grace as sometimes my hormones/stircraziness can make me a little...irritable.  :)

Excited and nervous to see what the future brings.  I'm more nervous about this labor than I was with Hudson...I think that's normal for the second time around as the ignorance is gone.  Excited to spend time with family (hopefully) and enjoy celebrating our Saviors birth!   Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Thanksgiving - a time to catch up!

I looked at my blog and was amazed that it's been over 2 months since I've posted.  YIKES!  So, mini catch up on the life of a pregnant wife/mom/nurse.

Pregnancy:
I'm getting big.  Baby is getting big.  I'm 29 weeks as of last Sunday so we are making progress!  I still think I'm closer to 31 weeks because I wanted to go with one of the other ultrasounds due dates.  But, since I had 6 ultrasounds in the 1st trimester there was a 12 day span to choose from.  Official due date 2/9/13.  Date I have in my head 1/12/13.  I would be 36 weeks and wouldn't have to automatically have the little one in the NICU.  Anything after 36 is frosting on the cake (although I might not feel like it by then as I think I'm going to be very uncomfortable.)  

Uncomfortable.  For being almost 30 weeks, I told my doc I feel a month ahead.  I didn't have much swelling with Hudson.  It was a nice surprise this week as I got to work and couldn't see my ankles.  Gotta love cankles!  Heartburn, had it with Hudson.  Came earlier with this one.  Yes!  Back pain - check.  I think carrying another kiddo has helped with that.  Little sleep - check!  Emotional -hmmm ask my husband.  But he got me roses this week.  I married a great guy! 

Baby is moving like crazy!  I love it most of the times, but sometimes I get a punch or a kick that stops me dead in my tracks.  Head is WAY down according ultrasound tech (thank you very much, I could tell) so the punches aren't comfortable.  And baby is measuring very tall - feet are in the ribs already!

I've been doing progesterone shots for 13 weeks now.  They are PAINFUL!  I'm starting to get lumps that won't go away.  So attractive I know.  BUT, all of these discomforts and pregnancy side effects aside, I'm excited that
1) baby is still hanging out in the womb
2) we are actually having a baby again (still hits me every now and then)!  
We are blessed!

Work
Still working in the observation unit in the ER.  I love the people I work with!  I'm not loving the night shift.  It's getting harder the farther along I get.  Sometimes, I float to the ER.  I thought I would love working in ER since I love critical care but it's way different from ICU critical care.  So, I don't know what to think about that. But I'm thankful for a job and the people I work with!

Hudson

The little man is growing like crazy.  We thought he was a little behind, but at his 15 mo check up he's right on track except for walking.  He's been walking along and holding onto things for 4 months but just won't let go!  I'm not too worried and doc says they don't get concerned until 18 months.  I can't believe how much fun I have with that kid.  It's hard some days...you lose a lot of freedoms becoming a parent, but so many rewards.

Home Life
It's been crazy.  Thats all I can say.  Dusty's working anywhere from 60-80 hours a week, I'm working 2 night shifts a week, I usually have a doc appt almost every week - soon to be twice A WEEK!  We've painted our house, painted our basement, redid the steps and will recarpet the basement.  Goal is to move guest bed to basement and get Hudson into the old guest room so the nursery will be free.  We'll see if we get there.  We always have a pack n play for the babe if we haven't moved Hudson yet.

 My grandma's been in the hospital, Dusty's aunt is in the hospital so it's been a little stressful with that as things haven't been good.  Prayers are appreciated!  The stomach flu hit the household and Dusty is traveling at least once a month.  I'm so wiped out half the time it's been hard getting Christmas shopping, laundry, dishes, cooking etc in.  But we are getting there!  One of my friends who has been living in India the past 8 months is back.  She came over for coffee and said I seem more mellow.  I took it as a compliment and noted that I don't have the capacity to get stressed over the little things.  And I don't feel the need to have everything together before you see me or come to my house.  Speaking of that - I love complany!   Hudson's nap times are great coffee times!  :)

The pups - anyone with dogs knows they can be busy.  The high energy ones anyway.  Bella and Ranger keep us on our toes.  Bella has been fighting some sort of infection and shes on steriods for her Addison's disease so she doesn't recover from them as easy.  Ranger...I don't know how else to say it.  He's two and not fixed.  Watch out.

Thanksgiving
This year has been whirlwind.  I'm so thankful for my Rock and Savior who is with me through the thick and thin, even if I don't acknowledge Him as I should.  This year has had some big bumps and big moments of trusting Jesus to be the center through it all.

I'm thankful to be bless with a husband who leads our family with confidence, who can make me laugh daily, encourages me, blesses me and makes time for me and Hudson so that we always feel like priorities. 

I'm thankful for an amazing kiddo - always brings a smile to my face.  Hudson's just an awesome kid and I could go on forever.  My heart melts when he says mom.  Or waves to me.  Or smiles at me.

Thankful for the babe to come. 
Thankful to have a roof over our heads, medical care as we've needed more of it this year, jobs, insurance. 
Thankful for family and friends.
Simply thankul.

Mud Running

What is mud running you may ask?  Am I training for a mud race?  Nope.  But right now I feel like I'm running in mud.  It's hard, it's dirty and not really fun but thankfully you don't sink to where you can't get out.  That would be quicksand.  (Thanks for clearing that up Julia is what I'm sure you are thinking).  Life has been challenging lately.  And to be honest, I've not been running into it at full speed saying I can push through, I can do it.  I haven't been running at all (literally).  :)

Nope.  It's been thoughts like "I really wish I could stay in bed".  I know pregnancy hormones can play a part in things, but a few weeks ago I was beginning to worry I was clinically depressed.  Unfortunately being in health care you know a few of the signs.  And they were there.  BUT, I felt that this is a seasonal thing.  I won't have to work nights forever.  Hopefully this tired feeling will go away.  I can work out again after this little babe is born.  There will pry always be financial stress but only the very few don't have to deal with it.  (And I personally believe that it helps us to stay minimal and simple, be thankful, and let's face it - being rich has it's burdens.)  Hopefully there will be less hospital bills in 2014 - lets hope for just a good ole L&D stay.  Fussy stages in toddlers don't last forever.  Diabetes will be stuck with me forever BUT good news - my A1C - measures how good my sugars have been the last 3 months - was 6.6.  A goal for a diabetic is 6 and they hope for 6.5 or even are okay with 7 in a pregnant woman.  Woohoo!  I was going up when I was pregnant with Hudson and this time I went from 7 in the 1st trimester to 6.6 in the second.  And honestly, that was the turnaround in my attitude this week. 

Last week I was angry.  I'm paying 200-300 dollars a month trying to keep this baby healthy between my insulin stuff (pump, sensor, extra doc visits that aren't under maternity covered insurance), plus progestrone shots to try to prevent the preterm labor.  Then I had contractions while working out last week.  So I was upset and frustrated.  Honestly I have a smile a little cuz I haven't been on a eliptical in months but I was trying to be good and work out and then of course I had a few contractions.  But I was worried then and upset because I never had them this early with Hudson.  As for Hudson, he has been super fussy and clingy this week.  I was battling feelings of frustration then feeling bad because I was frustrated.  One night he was up crying every 2-3 hours.  I still don't really know what's wrong but to have him cry when I leave to go to the bathroom had me wanting to pull my hair out.  Then he gives me a smile and says mom and I'm like "oh I love you and you are so amazing!"  After searching and reading and noting that his hands are always in his mouth, I think he's starting to have a little separation anxiety and teething at the same time. 

The big read flags for me this week were that I didn't care that I wasn't keeping up with the house (I may not always keep up but I usually care), I didn't want to get out of bed, and I didn't want to hang out with people.  OH, and my husband said I was reading a lot.  Which, if you know I'm a nerd like that at heart - it might not seem weird.  But, thats all I was doing any moment I had a break.  Trying to escape.

So...running in the mud.  I feel like the muddy is getting more dry, less thick.  I'm thankful I have a chronic disease that I can treat and live with.  I'm thankful for a great husband and kiddo.  I'm thankful to have another on the way.  I have no way of knowing whats going to happen in the future...it will have ups and downs, but I know it's not a journey alone.  I'm surrounded by a God who doesn't leave me - even if I've started straying away from Him.  I'm surrounded by amazing family and friends.  I'm praying that this will be an amazing pregnancy where I see God's hand (already I see it with my A1C).  It's His plan, we've seen it from the beginning.  He will walk with us, and will provide our daily needs.  So I choose to try and be thankful and joyful each day.