Letting go

Our blog for Sababu has been down for some time.  Many know the situation in Mali.  The government was overthrown.  Borders were open and closed, riots and curfews followed.  Life was unpredictable.  And so was business.  Sababu Manufacturing Company was already going the some of the trials many new business face.  This put things over the edge and we made the decision to shut the doors.  Harder decisions followed.  People criticized the choices we made, how we handled affairs.  We were guided by our limited knowledge, our friends both Malian and American, and then most importantly, by God. 

We pry didn't do everything perfect.  I'm sure mistakes were made.  People were upset.  You always hear from those who are upset.  I see that in nursing all the time.  We seem to hear from those who want to complain about everything, then don't get to spend as much time with the patients who are the most thankful and sometimes have the most needs, just don't voice them.  Same with business and customer service.  We tried and failed.  We wiped out our savings and had nothing left to give.  We came back to the US with little and still tried to pay as much as we could.  I do understand that in a poverty stricken country our "little" is a lot for them.  But I'm not going to go into finances...all I know is things have been a lot harder than expected.  My heart has been angry and hurt in ways I didn't expect.  But I'm seeing God try to heal that too. And He has taken care of us and blessed us in so many ways since we've been back.

I was reading a blog called Kisses from Kate.  This girl is such an inspiration to me on what it truly means to live for Jesus. I choke up thinking of it. Anyway, this blog is about someones life that she had the opportunity to be a part of.  She shared in her living and passing away and we see Kates struggle with God allowing it to end and letting her think her was going to make it.




Here was her response:

"Some time last week in the too-early hours of the morning, I asked God why He allowed me to believe so strongly that Katherine would live when she wasn’t actually going to. I can usually get a pretty good sense for those things. It is hard for me to think that My Father saw me in my hope, He knew I was believing, and He simultaneously knew the ending. I think He answered that He gave me the grace to believe that she would live so that in her final days she would feel hope and high spirits all around her, so that she would feel that she was fought for and that she was worth the fight. She was worth it."

www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com


It made me think of Sababu. God knew the ending of the story. But you know, the people were worth it. Worth the hurts, the heartaches, the disappointment in the business itself. They might not completely get it. but HE does. I'm thankful for that journey. I'm praying that Dusty and I allow both the joys and the pains of it shape us and draw us closer to Him.

I know that many see Sababu as a failure.  And they see us as people with a nice idea but it didn't pan out.  Many pry have rationale why it didn't work out - we didn't go through the correct protocol - language study in France, Bambara study in Mali, live in Mali for 4-8 years, etc. etc.  We felt judged throughout the journey - when we got there, while we were there - by missionaries, Malians, and by people living in the US.  We had people stop supporting us because they said we lived in too nice of a house.  (Yet our house was what the Malians told us we had to live in if we wanted to be taken serious as business folk).  We let go of our hurts and pushed forward.  In the end we found beautiful friendships and relationships.  I pray that even though we couldn't provide long term jobs for Malians, that they were able to experience love, hope and grace for the time they worked for us.  That they were able to grow in skills to use for future employment.  That they benefited from the clinic we ran and education I provided to the workers and families about Malaria and diarrhea.  But in the end it doesn't matter what they think.  It doesn't matter what other missionaries thought.  It doesn't even matter what I think.  It matters what God thinks.  It matters that we obeyed the calling. 

So part of my healing process is letting go of the past hurts.  Letting go of those doubting comments we heard while there.  Even maybe the I told you so's once we got back.  Letting go of the precious girl we tried to adopt in Mali but the door closed. 

I miss Mali.  My heart is heavy as I write this.  The people, the culture is one that cannot be explained but must be experienced.  I'm thankful for the experience.  I'm thankful for the hurts.  It has made me run to Him.

No normal routine...

As I write this I'm thinking....I should get Hudson up from his nap.  BUT then I would lose my moment of Julia time.  I have a feeling this will be a quick blog even though there is SO much to write - since I've shied away from this blog.  But here I am.  I look at my last two posts.  Just moved back from Mali.  Then I got an insulin pump.  About 10 months following the insulin pump we found out we had a bun in the oven.  8 months later Hudson came 7 weeks early.  And life continues to be a whirlwind since.  A good whirlwind let me tell you.

Constant  shaping seems to come with being a mom.  I thought I learned how selfish I was when we got married.  It's even more evident now.  But it's refreshing to be stretched and grow.  And change.  I used to color code my planner for pete's sake!  Now I'm lucky if I get things down on the planner.  Sometimes I wish I was a little more organized, I am enough for us to function.  I had so many aspirations to be super mom.  I just finished looking at the http://wholesomebabyfood.momtastic.com/ website.  Wow!  While there are many things I like about it and would love to do, I have to remember it's okay if I don't.  Hudson will still grow whether he eats Gerber or mommy-made food.

I have so many more thoughts I'd love to jot down, a new job in the horizon, changes in our lives, changes in me but that's all I have time for now.  I'm thankful I don't have to do everything.  Thankful I don't have to live up to the expectations of myself to find love from my savior, husband, family and friends.  I think we should all have a little more grace for ourselves and each other.  Happy Saturday!

   

My Buddy

Big news...I have an insulin pump!

This little guy is pretty much my new best friend. We are attached at the hip...literally.

It is called an omnipod and it gives me insulin all the time and I don't need to give shots. I wear this for three days and then I put a new one on it a different spot. I'm really excited because shots were getting old anytime I wanted to eat something!

More updates on how life is really going soon.

Blessed

JOB - check : Nurse on the cardiovascular ICU at the Nebraska Medical Center

CAR - check: 1999 Toyota Camry. Hey, we have 2 camrys with high mileage, but at least we have two cars!

HOUSE - check: Rockbrook area in center of Omaha. LOVE IT!

I'm choosing to be thankful for all the things mentioned here. The Lord has really provided for us. I love our home! The job can be hard at times but I guess what job isn't? Thankful to have one in these times.

So, what else is going on?

Here is the honest truth. We are struggling. Readjustment is hard. No other way to say it. And the hardest part is...very few understand. Family, friends...many don't get us or why we aren't super happy to be back. We are happy to be back, but it's not the same. We are different, everyone else is different. I come back and I don't understand why everything has to be so fast paced around here. Why do we have to constantly be on the go? I feel like my schedule is constantly full, but is it full of meaningful things?

Why when I come back here, I feel like I don't fit in? I don't want to blame the other people...I think it is me. I know there is re-entry culture shock, but it seems to come in waves. Sometimes I'm fine...other days I'm not. I long for the joy of the people in Mali, I miss the simplicity of life, I miss being always aware of other peoples needs instead of always focusing on my "needs". Often what I need here, I don't really need.

I could go even deeper and keep processing through this blog, but I'll save that for another time. I'll end this with what was going through my head tonight. Even through this really difficult time, I'm still blessed. I'm so thankful that Dusty and I got to go to Mali. Thankful for the experience. And as we go through these tough times, I'm glad we aren't alone.

So that's it for tonight. I'm one messed up person. But thanks for all of you who love me anyway! :)

Some hand and feet warmers, please...

We are BACK! What a journey it has been! I don't know where to start, or what to start with.
One of the main things is that we are trying to find a house. Here is a look back at our previous homes:

Our Home in Mali --->

Our first home was in an apartment....

<----

So we are trying to find a house, a car and I need a job. Some days I'm really overwhelmed. Other days I feel the Lord holding me. I didn't think it would be this hard to come back. But things are different. I'm different. I still have a hard time putting things into words

While I'm not a huge fan of New Years Resolutions, I've made a few goals for this year:

1) Follow my "Be Healthy" plan. I don't like diets, so I'm doing a few things to just be healthier. More to come about that later.

2) Find things to be thankful about every day! - Dusty and I try to say something every night before bed.

3) Run in a race - either 10k or half marathon. - All part of my "be healthy" plan.

All of these go follow the get a house, car and job plan. Yikes! I have my work cut out for me....

External Processing

I've always known I process things outloud. Ask Dusty, I have to talk about things when something happens to process my feelings. Good or bad, I usually have to get my feelings out. Now I've tried to grow in this area as sometimes it isn't the best to blurt out how you are truly feeling. But it is nice occasionally to just type out quick what's happening and then you can move on for the day. I guess I should say it's nice, but only if you don't sit and wonder what you should write because you worry what people will think (like Facebook statuses). My goal here is for this to give me freedom to process life through writing and whoever wants to come along for the journey, that's great. Thanks to my friend Beth for inspiring me to move into the next stage: blogging.

So for my first blog I just want to say....I haven't really started blogging (here) yet. As Dusty and I finish our time in Mali I will continue to blog on our www.sababu-blog.com. I don't think I'd be able to keep up with two. So for now, this was just to get me ready to start my own when we come back in December. I have a feeling I will be needing an outlet as I anticipate experience reverse culture shock. So hang on, more to come....